bottom of the line, gone on devastation

so i dont know what to say, or at this point what to feel, all i have right now is the choice to make it still a nightmare, one that i will wake up from everytime i fall asleep.  it is unreal and unimaginable, ive had friends lost and family lost and it hurts, but hurt and pain dont explain it, to sit there with her, and hold her and kiss her twas like she was just taking a heavy nap, i mean how do u see someone so alive and have to know theyre not, im so lost right now, but i will tell u all those times someones told me, its not worth it, u must treasure what u have in life, and i kinda brushed it off, thwyre right i for the rest of the time i have will treasure the people closest to me.  i just i dont know i dont know what to do i dont know what to feel i dont know how to act im jus utterly lost in the whirlpool of life, i cant tell anymore what reality for surely what im going through right now is not

i keep waiting for her to burst through the door and annoy the hell outta me, i would give nething for that right now

so what do i do?

im starting to have my extreme mental pains again surprise surprise

please tell me whats wrong with me?

why am i such a horrible guy, why do i find a way to push the people i love the most away from me?

why does it feel no matter how hard i try i become a wreck and fight with everything,

i try so hard not to hate my life but i feel like n  matter what i do i just fuck everything up

i need to make it better, i cant hadle it not working, the love is too great

so much in my life has changed since i moved out here i feel the same but the world is a different world

please help me im begging

so im gonna try to actually start writing on this thing again, this has been a real tough week, lets see some gurl hit my truck at school, the dude im renting from is sellin the house so i gotta move 4 months before im done, one of my classmates in school told me that the freshly cast metal was cool so i picked it up and abpout 30 seconds later realiezing it was still prolly over a thosand degrees literally so i third degree burned my hand, and for those of u that know me well the date i have tattoed on my back is soon coming up which represents a real rough time of the year.  i meen me and heather are doing good but i feel like shes going through so much that i dont want to burdon her with my issues so i will do as i have done since i moved out her and turn to myself to learn how to deal with my issues and make it through it.  altghough i know mosgt who read this or would read it know how i have kinda dissapeared from the world and im sorry, i wish i knew how to deal with pain differently.  well i gotta go look again for somewhere to live

God i love her

and my beautiful son

so i dont think my life has ever been this busy, but i think its good.   me and heather are still doing better then ever, and tyler is still the best son a guy could have.  This class ive been take here is the perfect thing for my life, i am and have been at the top of the class completeing a day ahead all the time.  although as it may seem like i dont miss home and i may have given up on it, i miss everything and everyone so much, and for those of u that know me well u know my best way of dealing is to just dissapear i nto nothing.  but i will be moving back home in the beggining of august with heather and tyler for 4 months as i plan out my business and finite my skills.  well gotta head to class but i figured i would write since its been forever and just i case anyone would want to hear how things are going.

Ry